- Flashback # 1
- September 7th, 2009
She took a deep breath and stumbled forward. Reached for a rail that wasn't there. Blinded by a flash of clarity, she fell deeper into the everywhere... It's been a while since I updated regularly. But this journal happily documents my entire "adult" life, through the sex'd up late teenage years and through all of my serious relationships to date. It's nice to keep things going. Although on the face of it Rosie treated me quite badly during our relationship, it was never really like that. There was some emotional bullying, yes, but I'm quite sure in retrospect that I was just as responsible in a completely different way. I only really learned from this about 4 years later, when my relationship with Frances ended. In that relationship I realised that I'd been making similar mistakes, which lead to different problems that were entirely my fault. I've tried to apologise to Rose for the way things went - last year I think. She didn't want to talk about it. I don't blame her. I worked through these issues and made a fresh start with Lydia, building slowly and never letting myself get out of control. Things were great and I loved her a lot, but when things started fraying slightly I closed myself off emotionally. Lydia did absolutely nothing wrong, and I can't say a bad word about her. I think I'm probably just a little too complex for a long-distance relationship at the moment. So I'm deconstructing my life and love, trying to work out how I can keep my attention focussed. If I can't work this one out, then I'll never be happy in a relationship... no matter how happy I make her. But I love people, the world, everything. I have this deep, warm feeling through my body which just peaks every time I see something beautiful, or someone beautiful. It's euphoric and intoxicating. It smells of paprika. Or maybe that's the smell of burning... I hope I can stick this one out, and learn my lessons, drink my medicine. Before I end up making the same mistakes with someone else.